Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon.

Monday, February 18, 2008

"What's the deal with eastern European females??" (said in a Seinfeld voice)

The insanity of eastern European women has a storied history but I finally experienced it first hand.

Met up with my Polish friend (right) in the Kazimierz neighborhood at a bar lighted only by candles on each thick wooden table, low ceilings, and enough cigarette smoke to make Christopher Hitchens choke.

I show up in full tourist regalia, after a day of haggling over art deco Polish hanging lamps and the aforementioned posters. I was feeling good, lugging bags, and thirsting after a drink.

My Polish pal Szymon was chatting softly with his group of artist friends at a corner table, all chain smoking and looking serious. This was my final night in Poland, so I didn't give a fuck --- sporting a bright orange Detroit Tigers t-shirt.

As an aside, I'll tell you I have no shame about being a tourist. Got over that at age 26. My lack of pretense, and feeling of happiness after my successful day in Krakow may have contributed to what happened next. But who knows.

Seated at the table were Szymon and his friends: one guy who writes Raymond Chandler-esque novels, a dude who's a published poet and about to join the band Morphine, a guy who owns a vinyl-only record store, and an assortment of brooding, hip ladies seated at the far end of the table. Imagine me --- artsily, irrelevant. Ha!

But it seemed normal enough. Fine conversation, drinks flowing.

We drank for about three hours at this bar. I didn't exchange a single word with the females --- assume they didn't speak English. As the night went on, people broke off from our group periodically, heading home. The last bus was leaving soon, so the final four of us departed the bar for the 30-minute walk --- just me, Szymon, his friend Pietr and a woman named Anka.

I stepped one foot out of that fucking bar, and without warning, that bitch Anka lays into me with a verbal assault of unprecedented proportions. I grew up in a good suburban family, so I'm never ready to defend myself quickly against angry people. Anka's verbal assault was in Polish so the only things I understood were the curse words: "kurwa" (pronounced "coorvah") means "bitch"; and "spierdalaj" (pronounced "speerDAleye") means "fuck off".

"Kurwa" and "spierdalaj" were in every third one of Anka's sentences at me.

I was trying to get an English translation out of Szymon and Pietr, but Anka's words were coming too fast. In response to Anka's insults at me, the guys could hardly get out words other than the Polish equivalent of "Oh snap!" here and there. The things they managed to translate went like this: "You fucking asshole American. You think you can come here and not speak Polish?? What fucking language do you think we speak, you piece of shit. Go to hell." That sort of crap. Mind you, I had never spoken to Anka before her attack on me.

After about eight minutes of this abuse, I decided not to take it any longer. So, we're all walking drunkenly toward the bus station, and she's ranting at me in Polish, while I pretend I understand her and respond in English, thinking of any insult that would most offend the average artsy-leftie-European type.

Anka: "Ja nienawidzić ty! Mówisz po angielsku?? Spierdalaj, kurwa!"

Me: "Hmm. That's interesting, but you see, George Bush told me that your mother prefers cock up her ass, not down her throat. Maybe I heard the other way around."

I'm a hardcore Obama supporter, and I'd been pushed to utter the above comment to this woman. You see how far it had degenerated.

Things went on like this for about 15 minutes of our walk, until it became plain ridiculous. I actually started giving her compliments because I just couldn't believe it was real. Still, almost no help on the translation front from Szymon.

Then, as an abrupt plot twist, her intent became clear when Szymon decided to explain to me about the flirting tactics of eastern European women.

According to Szymon (who's Polish), this is what women of that ethnicity do when they're hitting on a man. At first when he explained this --- between Anka's continuing insults --- I didn't believe him. Then, as the walk went on, it became apparent, judging by Anka's changing body language --- accidentally/on purpose bumping into me while walking, her come-hither eye contact, the way she touched my shoulder. Yikes!

Crazy ass bitch. But apparently normal in this part of the world.

I'm a married man so nothing went further. We departed ways and I went to the bus station back to Szymon's village.

This is a warning to all the single guys out there who pursue eastern European women: they may be totally nuts --- way more so than all the hot American ladies in singles' land.
Oh man, you are KILLING me here ...
I'm sure that being in a foreign country, such as this far eastern Euro-hamlet of Poland, the laws of American Marriage do not hold water and you are free to do as you please. Vaginally.
"Women, can't live with... Pass the Beer Nuts" - Norm from Cheers


"женщины, не могут жить с... Пройдите гайки пива " in Russian.

I could not find a Polish translator
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