Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

A Guide to Stinkpots

When sailors hear the annoying chug of a stinkpot on its way toward us, we need to know what, exactly, has invaded our territory and some simple advice on how to deal with the approaching douchebaggery.

Concise categories should help sailors deal with stinkpotters. Below is a guide to help navigate through the exhaust-filled waterways of American stinkpotism. And we must recognize that some stinkpotters are worse than others --- not all deserve the same treatment.

1 - The Rich, Revving Rednecker: This is the most egregious of all stinkpotters. Land Lubbers think Hummer drivers are bad? These boats are like a dozen floating SUVs, seriously. Many of them brag about having upwards of 2,000 horsepower and can reach over 110 MPH and there are no speed limits.

On the water, emissions laws are more lax so this type of stinkpot doesn't have to follow any environmental restrictions and never uses freaking mufflers!

Nothing spoils your day like having one of these fuckbags anchor within 200 yards. The Rich, Revving Rednecker and his loud fiberglass dick will deafen you and your crew and choke your guts out with black exhaust. It's so loud I can almost hear the noise coming out of the above image.

The Rich, Revving Rednecker must have a penis that's so small that it inverts back into itself.

How to Deal with Them: Never wave. Brace yourself because they think the fastest boat has right-of-way (one of them actually told me that once). A middle finger may be necessary during daytime; if at night, consider pooping on their deck.

2 - The WTF is a Compasser: There was once a story in SAIL magazine about a stinkpotter who bought a boat and asked if "that glass thing with the numbers" could be removed to make room for a bigger radio.

See, stinkpotters usually have zero concept of nautical skill; they're out on the water to show off their stinkpots to their floozey girlfriends or douchey friends and maybe ski or anchor.

But I will admit that people who buy boats for water skiing are less offensive than the Rich, Revving Rednecker. I've been skiing and it's definitely fun.

How to Deal with Them: Give a two-finger wave at most and be vigilant because they often don't know the Rules of the Road and think that towing a skiier gives them right-of-way even over freaking container ships.

3 - The Rodney Dangerfield Wannabe: These guys are basically golfers that think the water is a moving version of the fairway.

When most Land Lubbers hear the word "yacht" they think of some Hollywood producer wearing a goofy hat in his 150-foot monster loaded with a cargo of magnums of champagne, grams of coke and bimbos in bikinis covered with 80s tropical designs. The Rodney Dangerfield Wannabe is a miniature version of that.

He's not as concerned with overwhelming power and speed like the Rich, Revving Rednecker, but wants size, and more importantly, height. He's slightly obsessed with other people's perceptions of him and needs to prove -- especially to other stinkpotters --- that he's "made it" and can afford $350 for a day's gas on the water.

Rodney Dangerfield Wannabes are rarely seen on the water in winds over 15 knots because their extreme height makes them unseaworthy. One more reason to go out sailing in heavier weather, I suppose.

How to Deal with Them: Give them a lazy, full-handed wave. You usually don't need to fear them running you over because in addition to longing to be owners of 150-foot power yachts, they also want to seem like they know something about the ocean and its vagaries.

4 - The Dock Motorer: This boat would capsize if hit by a strong fart, but on windless days it can be fun as hell, I admit.

The Dock Motorer stinkpots are basically a dock-like platform set onto two pontoons with a mid-sized horsepower motor.

Dock Motorers don't offend me too much because at least they're quiet. They're usually owned by old men on midwestern lakes.

I have to admit that being a Dock Motorer --- despite requiring even less seamanship than a WTF is a Compasser --- is pretty fun; you just lie around on floating couches and smoke, drink beer or fish --- all fun activities in my book.

How to Deal with Them: They probably won't even wave at you because the Dock Motorer is a true Land Lubber's boat and they don't know on-the-water etiquette. Don't worry about them hitting you because they're usually at anchor or at a dock.
one of the funniest and sadly perceptive posts in about a year. My favorite is the WTF
You missed some stuff...

What about those stupid fishermen wannabe's but can't affords pulling 10' aluminum fishing boats off the roof of their cars and heading out in 8 foot rollers ... so that the rest of us with real boats (and some basic common sense) get to go out and rescue them instead of killing some pops on the dock.

Another thing the StinkPots do is fire up their engines at any time of day or night - just to - frig, I don't know why they do it. Nothing like a cabin full of exhaust and the rumble of twin 350's to help you enjoy your evening.

JetSkis? I watched two of them trying to kill ducks and seagulls by running them over - lots of fun until one dope hit the other dope broadside trying to nail a tern. Holy short on brains!

Then there is my stinkpot neighbour who blew up his engine and filled his bilge with oil ... so he fires up the bilge pump at the dock to clean out his bilge. He even added some soap to clean things up. Nice - Exxon Valdez oil slick for a week. I had to clean the oil ring off of my hull. He's a nice guy though...

There is one good thing about the stinkpots though - they keep the local marine police off my back. Whenever I see the Marine unit around here, they always have some powerboat bobbing along side of them. No end of the stupid stuff that stinkpots will do - keeps 'em occupied. Let's me sail in peace.

Good post!
A jetski is everything that's wrong with a "stinkpot" with the rest removed. They're asshole magnets. About one in one thousand is used for some sort of life guarding and emergency service, another one in one thousand is thoughtfully and appropriately used, but the rest...
You probably heard that a cigarette style boat capable of running at 80 just killed two people in a 14 footer running at night on a 11 mile lake here in Maine. He and his companion were tossed out and unfortunately swam to shore. Boat kept going and ended up 135 feet inland.

So you can add killer to the list. Its unfortunate that the worst this guy will get is an involuntary manslaughter charge, and that only if there is enough evidence.
I happened to be at one of our coastal islands a year ago and heard over on the VHF that an impeller was needed for a genset which had failed. The owner of the 'smoker' proceeded to go to every other 'smoker' in the cove and refused to dinghy up to any sail boat.

What was he thinkng? That Sailboats don't have gensets or that they surely don't carry spare impellers... foolish and senseless preconcieved images from a 'smoker' as to the reality of the true semanship of most sailors and the extensive spare parts we all carry.
jeffry. just my 2 cents
Several years ago I sailed up the beautiful Saint John river with an old buddy of mine. We planned to go ashore at Gagetown, New Brunswick and meet our wives for lunch. At the town's public dock we had to tie up alongside a power cruiser, and on crossing through this rather elegant craft I commented to the female owner that I thought it was a rather nice vessel for a stinkpot. "Stinkpot", she replied? "You know what we call your types, don't you?...Blowjobs!!"
Hey, you got mentioned in scuttlebutt, that's cool. As an SA'er, I rarely read it but happened by today out of boredom. Did your hits spike?
This comment has been removed by the author.
Really glad that EVK4 had a chance to stop by Scuttlebutt, even if it was "out of boredom." Scuttlebutt certainly isn't in the entertainment industry as is SA, which seems to be largely fueled by the SA community.

Hopefully those that do come by Scuttlebutt each day get a good glimpse of the current events of the sport, ideally as they apply to the North American audience. There is plenty in each issue, and hopefully there is something of interest for each of our readers.

There were some 'buttheads offended by the "Guide to Stinkpots" story, but we liked it, as we do many of the posts on EVK4's blog that we frequently visit.
Alright, ScuttleButt reads both our blogs, that's nice.

'butthead Number 1, it's OK, you have a different demographic than SA, you probably don't want those misanthropes on your site anyway. I just happen to think they're funny. Especially that Lesbian Robot.
Ok, it's funny, but its sort of like a Polish joke: not exactly fair to everyone.

There are jerks everywhere, including on sailboats, and there are some fine seamen owning and operating powerboats.

I guess that I think that there is room enough in the boating community for sailors, powerboaters, and those of us who are both, and I don't agree with branding them all with the same brush.

And yeah, I expect to get flamed for this, go ahead.

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