Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Fuck Pennies: They're Worthless Pieces of Currency

If I receive pennies as change, I throw them in the trash because it's annoying as shit having valueless metal discs cluttering my pockets.

Let us get rid of them once and for all. Call the Federal Reserve. End their production. You cannot buy anything with less than a nickel's worth of pennies---rendering them completely useless. Sure, if you save pennies for a few years you might be able to purchase a package of dress socks at Hecht's, but not much more.

Ugh. I can't stand the sound of the word "penny"; it's too much like "pussy", "ninny" or "pantie", and no one likes to utter those disgusting words, either.

Or maybe this is testament to how decadent my life is. Lonnie Bruner: a man who's such a high roller, he throws pennies in the trash ... Yea. That's how I want to be known.
I hear if you put one on a railroad track and a train runs over it you'll have something almost as worthless as you had before.
But if you get rid of all your pennies, how can you experience the joy of the CoinStar? Instead of the trash, just toss 'em in a big jug, and then lug that jug down to your local down-market grocery store, spend a little time listening to the machine eat your change, and boom! you have real money. It's possible that my joy in such activities makes me sort of a loser, but it beats rolling the shit into paper sleeves like I used to have to do with my mom.

Also, I think pennies are pretty.
Pennies should exist to do that coin flicky thing.

Also, I think they are round.
Don't be so shortsighted. The penny is useful at tourist traps and turnpike stops where they have those machines that take ordinary pennies and, for only 50 cents in most cases, will turn that penny into a lovely keepsake that you will hand down to your children, and to your children's children.
I wonder what cover story Time decided to run that week?
That cover is fucking hilarious. I haven't stopped laughing.

It may look easy, but f'n Newsweek had me go through like two hours of photos to get the one they wanted.
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I save all my pennies in a little bank (in the shape of a red phone box - I got it at a souvenir shop in London). When it's full I take them out and give them to the homeless person I see. Usually it takes me about a month to get $5 bucks worth of pennies. I figure I can either get dress socks from Hechts (if they're on super sale) or some Homeless dude can buy a Big Mac.

But you wouldn't do that because you want to kill kill kill kill kill the poor, don't you?

2:37 PM

sounds like you got a revolution going lonnie.....

repost with better link.....
I just snorted superconcentrated saltwater and got a bleeding nose. OW! Pennies stink, and they are hard to tidy up after.
I also despise the word "panty" and even more so the plural "panties."
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years later, this is still your best post. Sometimes I just have to revisit it to have a laugh at that evil genious photoshop work you constructed. also dig the now-antiquated reference to dress socks at Hechts.

12:03 AM
Hey I throw pennies away too. This is Jess' little sister LIndsay by the way. Your blog is HILARIOUS OMG...i regularly say fruit boots because of you now too hahahaha.
I love pennys my girlfriends present from her is a box of pennys . Ill pick them up if i see them. Theyre cute because theyre one cent and thats what makes them cute.
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