Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Without me, the band is turning to shit.

The latest "band practice":


My band is proving to be totally useless. I take one practice off---just one---and things turn to shit. Spankings and naked girls does not a good band practice make. WTF? As they say in the navy, a fit ship should be a benevolent dictatorship. To save this mess, I'm gonna have to step in and start cracking some skulls.

And the latest band emails prove our demise! Here's a sweet sampling:
"Hawkwind is great. They made me realize. If we really want a better band, I should play bass. Otherwise, the songs are completely jangly. I can play bass fine. I just have to pay attention. And Lemmy played bass. So it's bad ass."

"Our shit has no gusto. So someone needs to follow up with a 'What would the Misfits do?'"

"Lonnie, you're best at rocking the lead guitar. You're just a better musician. But you have to be more patient, less noodling. For fuck's sake, why can't we write a song with you alt tuning and using the slide. That's bad as shit!"

"Neither Lonnie or I should sing. It's too gay."
It's sad to say, but I don't think we're getting into the Hall of Douchebags any time soon. Sorry to disappoint.
Comments:
Don't give up. Hope is where dreams take wing!
 
Looks like the band is getting ready for a remake of Spinal Tap's "Big Bottoms."
 
I'd like to add that Mr. Crack-some-skulls ditched the last band practice because of an issue he had with discount wine. WTF? I'm the sommelier in the band.

One more practice and if it doesn't work out I'm joining a Testament cover band. Correction, I mean Testament. It turns out they're still around.

Plus the band got in a fight last night and where were you?! We fought a gay guy and some pissed-off hipster bitch.
 
Our band is so gay that when we sing, leprechauns and care bears come issuing forth from our mouths. Little rainbows and chocolate sprinkles and butterflies float past. Yo la Tengo shows up and says look dude I don't think so.

So if we have to have a party with fat strippers and spankings, so be it.

Anyway, I vote for becoming a glam band anyway, in the style of T Rex.
 
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