Talkin' Shit About A Pretty Sunset

I have a wife who likes to visit the occasional strip club, but our most recent foray into watching pretty titties dance in our faces was a learning experience for the both of us. Take my tips as cautionary tale and concise guide.

1) Your wife or girlfriend is not "one of the guys". Don't forget that your significant other is still a female, despite liking going to testosterone-filled vice dens. When she likes "guy things" it's easy to forget your place, and say or do things that will land your ass in the dog house. Remember, if your wife likes going to strip clubs, you are among the lucky 1% of the coupled male population and should consider yourself extremely privileged. She's still the lovely woman who takes an hour to get ready, wears frilly underwear and cares about celebrities; she's not your KFC-loving buddy Matt, so the rule of thumb is at least to behave like you would on a third date.

2) Only go on her recommendation. When you know your woman enjoys going to strip clubs, it's tempting to regularly suggest going. Don't. Play it cool, like you could care less, or that you really don't like strip clubs that much. That way, it'll seem like a special treat when she wants to go.

3) Be the least drunk person in your group. No matter what you do, stay two drinks behind everyone. That way, if the shit hits the fan and you end up being accused of "gawking at that skank's crotch", at least the adverb "drunkenly" can't be tacked on, making the forgiveness process easier.

4) Dollar, thong, hand = Holler, wrong, banned. Ok, horrible rhyme, but you can seeing where I'm going. Looking only requires you to answer questions like, "Do you think she has a good body?" Being eight inches from a stranger's genitals with paper currency in hand requires you to answer questions like, "What the fuck were you doing, asshole?" Yea, you get it.

5) Pay by cash, 100%. Never---and I mean never---leave your credit card with the bar to hold your tab. If you do, when your wife or girlfriend is ready to go (and by "ready to go" that means "right-the-fuck-now"), you're bound to be waiting at the bar for 15 minutes for your credit card. Meanwhile, your wife or girlfriend and friends are waiting on the street, getting progressively angrier, thinking you're inside still "gawking at that skank's crotch".

6) Always apologize. If you think you behaved like a choir boy the night before, and she says you were drooling like a dog before a bloody steak, swallow your pride and say you're sorry. Who's it going to hurt? The stripper? Your relationship with your woman is more important than the fact that you think you acted just like the rest of your group while looking some T and A. Again, as the male, you are the privileged one. The sooner you say you're sorry, the sooner you'll be able to get your strip-club-going woman back into her old routines.