Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon.

Monday, July 24, 2006

A Guide to Going to Strip Clubs with your Wife or Girlfriend

I have a wife who likes to visit the occasional strip club, but our most recent foray into watching pretty titties dance in our faces was a learning experience for the both of us. Take my tips as cautionary tale and concise guide.

1) Your wife or girlfriend is not "one of the guys". Don't forget that your significant other is still a female, despite liking going to testosterone-filled vice dens. When she likes "guy things" it's easy to forget your place, and say or do things that will land your ass in the dog house. Remember, if your wife likes going to strip clubs, you are among the lucky 1% of the coupled male population and should consider yourself extremely privileged. She's still the lovely woman who takes an hour to get ready, wears frilly underwear and cares about celebrities; she's not your KFC-loving buddy Matt, so the rule of thumb is at least to behave like you would on a third date.

2) Only go on her recommendation. When you know your woman enjoys going to strip clubs, it's tempting to regularly suggest going. Don't. Play it cool, like you could care less, or that you really don't like strip clubs that much. That way, it'll seem like a special treat when she wants to go.

3) Be the least drunk person in your group. No matter what you do, stay two drinks behind everyone. That way, if the shit hits the fan and you end up being accused of "gawking at that skank's crotch", at least the adverb "drunkenly" can't be tacked on, making the forgiveness process easier.

4) Dollar, thong, hand = Holler, wrong, banned. Ok, horrible rhyme, but you can seeing where I'm going. Looking only requires you to answer questions like, "Do you think she has a good body?" Being eight inches from a stranger's genitals with paper currency in hand requires you to answer questions like, "What the fuck were you doing, asshole?" Yea, you get it.

5) Pay by cash, 100%. Never---and I mean never---leave your credit card with the bar to hold your tab. If you do, when your wife or girlfriend is ready to go (and by "ready to go" that means "right-the-fuck-now"), you're bound to be waiting at the bar for 15 minutes for your credit card. Meanwhile, your wife or girlfriend and friends are waiting on the street, getting progressively angrier, thinking you're inside still "gawking at that skank's crotch".

6) Always apologize. If you think you behaved like a choir boy the night before, and she says you were drooling like a dog before a bloody steak, swallow your pride and say you're sorry. Who's it going to hurt? The stripper? Your relationship with your woman is more important than the fact that you think you acted just like the rest of your group while looking some T and A. Again, as the male, you are the privileged one. The sooner you say you're sorry, the sooner you'll be able to get your strip-club-going woman back into her old routines.
Somehow I don't see very many comments coming in on this subject, simply out of pure lucky bastard ;)
Well, I'm a woman, and I'm commenting, Shrubs. I thought this was excellent advice and shows you understand and appreciate the woman in your life.
I did this and it worked out for me. Somehow my wife had the idea that these places were whore houses. She laughed at how rediculous the whole thing was. SCORE!
No offense was taken I hope WC, I was only saying how all of us guys that are in the aforementioned 99% would be a tad jealous of his situation
I would have never thought of any of this. Ever. Damn! The thought that goes behind this is incredible.
Yeah, OK, but what if your girlfriend works in the strip club?
So, does this mean that buying a lapdance for your wife or girlfriend is out of the questions?

Lapdances are illegal in DC so we've never come to that issue. But I think if she suggests it, yer good to go.
Congrats on your mention in D.C. Blogs today.
Brilliant. I could not have said it better myself. Simply brilliant.
Well done! (I'm a woman, too -- this could really hold a relationship together for a night :-)
Can you spread the word to the male race?

Don't forget that your significant other is still a female, despite liking going to testosterone-filled vice dens... she's not your KFC-loving buddy Matt.

As a women, who loves "guy things" I think this is the most perfect advice to give to those that get to date/marry us.
This is a brilliant and informative piece of work that I will never, ever be able to actually use in real life...

Damn the luck.
i just took my man to Bada Bing's for his birthday and for the ending of Sopranos. We both had a great time and as long as you're a confident and secure enough woman, both of you should have a great time. He bought me 3 lapdances -- that way, he doesn't have to get one, and he got to enjoy me being with another woman. Remember, there are different rules when girls get lapdances. No rules.. She was feeling me up and vice versa , so my boyfriend had a great time =) I recommend this, ladies.
Insightful..I am also one of the lucky ones and always treat my wife with the upmost respect while visiting these clubs. My issue stems mainly from those around who feel that it is proper to constantly hit on or proposition my wife with the idea that because she is there she must either strip or be available. This cheapens the experience for the both of us. On the other hand I guess I should be proud of my wife for taking care of herself..being noticed..and loving me as much as she does!
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My wife says she wants to go, but I think she really doesn't. She is very prude, and I almost think it would be good for her. I am going to go with my best friend, who's wife is very open minded, and wouldn't mind having a lap dance. That way, if she has a problem I can be like well X's wife doesn't mind it? I think maybe it would be good for her, she has never seen a porn, and is very close minded. We have been together 9 years but our sex life is just..well...stagnant, and I can't get her to change. I am going to tell her for my B-day I want the 4 of us to go out to a strip club (and I am taking her to the finest). I will make sure she and Ms X get a lap dance at the same time, so it's not so wierd for her, and so she has an idea of what a woman -is- capable of. I'll take your advice, and make sure to stay a few drinks behind, and ask her which she thinks is the cutest one of them, I won't comment :)
My husband and I recently went to a strip club for the first time..... what an amzing night!!!!, would certainly recommend it to any couple looking to spice things up. I'll admit I needed a few drinks for dutch courage but my husband was great and we will certainly be going again in the near future :) xx
Ya.. thought my wife (14 years)was a prude too. But I found her in bed with her best friend! (female). We have over come that and now we enjoy her bisexuality together. We go to a club about 1 a month. Watching her get a lapdance is the best money I ever spent. Now we have the best sex EVER! I wish the girls did to guys what they are willing to do with my wife! no rules!
my wife and I are going to a strip club tomorrow night. Ive only ever been to one 10 years ago for my bachelor party, She has never been to one and im just not sure what to expect. I hope I can control myself and keep the gawking to a minimum. granted my wife does have a pretty slamming body so im thinking I'll get her a few lap dances and gawn away !
Thanks again for writing this. Tomorrow, I become a 1%er :)
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