Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Dr. Sealove, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Ocean

There are people who are afraid to swim in dark water---folks who are loath to dive deep, forgetting inhibitions (flipperless, goggleless) into the murk to check what's caught around a boat propeller, only to find a barnacle-encrusted chunk. These people are normal. But they must recognize that the ad nauseam attack of shark scare programs on television is, in part, the reason for their fear.

In reality, you should fear not.

No one who's afraid of sharks wants to hear statistics, and I'm not about to rattle them off to you. But I will say this: the worst that's going to happen to you in dark water is a pissant sting from a jellyfish, or a cow-nosed stingray (it's unlikely they'll actually sting your ass) knocking you off balance. Have you ever experienced that? Stepping on a stingray and it subsequently knocking you down? Didn't think so. Until you do, take my advice: it's not bad, especailly after a few drinks. It's like waking up in the middle of the night, going for a drink of water, and stepping on your dog. The ocean is there to love, my friend, and you can't convince me otherwise. But I'm digressing.

Last weekend, I went to the 2006 Ocean City Shark Tournament. Granted, I didn't get any good pictures of sharks---likely because they're almost extinct---but I guarantee you'll all be happier with one less shark in the world.

For me, I could give a fuck. Long ago, I learned to stop worrying and love the ocean. Here's some picutures from the recent Shark Tournament in Ocean City to prove it.

You can't truly love the earth---especially the ocean---until you suck its stringy guts into your mouth, down your gullet, and out of your ass. A good place to start is by ordering crabs. Oh, and make sure you wash it all down with cheap beer.

mmmmm. stringy guts down your gullet and out your ass!

Mmmm. Cheap beer.

Do you remember the P-funk Crab Explosion!!
"Gentlemen, you can't fish here, this is the fishing boat!"
What'd you do, hit the mug and mallet down around 3rd Street?

That's a place called Mickey's, and I think it's between Bethany and Rehoboth.
I jumped into the water somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic. As soon as I hit the water, my mind raced to the chart up on the nav table and realizing that there was 5 quadrillion feet of water below me, it wasn't sharks I was scared of but all of the untold undiscovered creepy creatures that might exist and if they did I could guarantee they'd be in that patch of water below me and wondering what that sound was.

So, I actually launched myself back up into the boat without aid of a swim ladder. besides, the Atlantic is cold.
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