Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

A Guide to Having Hound Dogs in the City

I've had two hounds for 4 years in DC, so if you're thinking about getting a dog and you live this side of a bridge or tunnel, refer to my brief guide:

- Outdoors as buffet.
Hound dogs have been bred to do three things: 1) kill small animals; 2) scavenge, and; 3) be friends with man. When humans say, "Let's go for a walk", dogs hear, "Let's go to the buffet". In the city, anything fit for a dumpster will end up in your hound's mouth. Your first instinct will be to wrestle that dead rat or used tissue loose, but it's pointless. You'll end up with stank-ass slime on your hands and the germs will still be in the dog's mouth. Before getting a hound, you must be prepared for your dog to eat or roll in homeless man's poo or dead rodents.

- Avoid Chows and Pit Bulls like black death.
Never trust them. Never. What's more, if the owner assures you of some bullshit about the dog's manner depending how it's raised, head for the hills; those people are even more dangerous than the local thug. Chows and Pit Bulls are hard-wired to attack until death ensues. It's a thousand years of breeding, my friend; a friendly yuppie cannot reverse that. - Ignore joggers. You'll likely want to buy a retracting leash so your hound can use its sniffer anywhere within a 20 foot diameter. Joggers hate that shit because the long leash will trip them as they're speeding by. It annoys them to no end. But as I've said before, sidewalks are not for running. Joggers can go to a fucking track. - Before you go to the pound, practice picking up feces. If your stomach turns AT ALL, do not purchase a hound. Picking up shit will become part of your life. Oh, and it's not just solid shit. Ever held soft bloody diarrhea only separated from your hand by a used plastic Safeway bag? Get used to it if you get a dog. Daily. - Dog parks and leash laws are bullshit. As soon as a dog park is created, it becomes a cesspool of mud. Plus, you can't walk around with your dog in the tiny fenced area, so you have to stand there in the cold engaging in boring-ass small talk about real estate with the fellow dog owners. Fuck all that. Just pick a spot where you think your dog won't get hit by a car, unclip the leash, and let him go nuts.
great post - especially about pit bulls and chows.

I think they should stop being bred. Chows are sort of cool looking, but pit bulls - WTF!?!?

Just stop breeding the ugly biting things. I turn the other direction when I see a pit bull. No conversation, no nothin'
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