Talkin' Shit About A Pretty Sunset

Once, some friends and I were hanging out on my front stoop and counted how long any parking space would stay empty. No one counted past ten seconds. My neighborhood has the worst parking situation in the District, so if you decide to visit me, here's a short guide on parking here.

• Park illegally. Do DC police think a $25 ticket is a freaking deterrent? Christ, that's the price of a meal for one these days. A trip to see me is worth $25; your cheap ass can afford it.
  

• Ignore temporary "No Parking" signs. Paper signs will sprout up randomly in my neighborhood which claim you'll be towed if you park in certain areas. Usually, this is because some pussy wants four spaces to park a moving truck instead of just double parking like the rest of us. Do everyone a favor and just tear these signs down and park wherever you please.
  

• Most drivers are able to yell, but not fight. There is a 20% chance that you'll get into a verbal fight with another driver over a parking spot. I've always said that a big difference between Baltimore and DC is that DC has no scary-ass white people, so it's fairly easy to kick the asses of most drivers here (my friend Derek's brother excepted). So if you get into a screaming match with someone over a parking spot, don't worry. Throw in a little physical violence---ie, kick or punch someone's car---and you're good to go. Most people will back down and you'll get the spot.

• All out of state tags should be disrespected. 65% of the people who take my parking spaces on Friday and Saturday nights are from Maryland or Virginia. Nothing against those states (wait, I take that back for Virginia), but they simply don't live here. They're here to visit the 161 places that serve alcohol and that's it. So if you're slamming bumpers back and forth while parking, hit the gas a little harder when next to tags that do not say "Taxation Without Representation" (this goes double for SUVs).
  

• Get in good with Mama Ayesha's. This is the restaurant a few doors down from me. If you befriend them, they'll set you up good. They have some quasi-legal agreement with the bus station parking lot, and sometimes they'll let you leave your vehicle there if they aren't too busy.

• Keep circling. I've circled around looking for spots for over five years and I've never had to sleep double-parked in the alley. Get used to it if you visit me.
  

Disclaimer: Normally, a blog post about parking is as lame as a blog post about writer's block. However, I am exempt from that since the parking situation in my neighborhood is so unique.