Talkin' Shit About A Pretty Sunset

I've been without alcohol since Labor Day weekend. In order not to go completely insane, I've begun the search for the perfect non-alcoholic beer. In case you ever end up projectile vomiting on all of your wife or girlfriend's clothes, and get yourself banned from the sauce, you can use this guide.

- Bitburger "Drive": All the luxuries of looking like you're drinking a fancy German beer without any of the authenticity. It's the beer drinkers' version of getting fake tits or liposuction. A++++++ Very Recommended!!!!!!!!!

- Kaliber: Made by the same folks who brew Guinness. If you took a real Guinness, boiled all the alcohol out, then added bleach, washed it with a load of clothes, and then replaced half of the original stuff with DC tap water, you'd have Kaliber. A +++. Recommended!!!

- O'Doul's: "Now richer and smoother" says the label. Richer? Yes, compared to drinking baby powder stirred into a glass of sugarless apple juice. Smoother? Well, yes, I guess. Most beverages that are devoid of alcohol tend to be "smooth", unless you're talking about un-sweetened cranberry juice. B++. Goes good with a ribeye.

- O'Doul's Amber: Wow! A pleasant surprise. Definitely drinkable, in an I'm-in-the-military-and-there's-nothing-else-to-drink kind way. B. Somewhat recommended.

- Sharp's: Last night, I had to ask every beer-seller at the MCI Center during a hockey game for a non-alcoholic beer. I quietly kept asking, "Do you guys sell any non-alcoholic beer?" and the person would respond with a loud, "WHAT?!" Each person gave me the same WTF expression and pointed me to some other kiosk in the stadium. After walking for about 20 minutes, I purchased a Sharp's. They poured it into a clear plastic cup with a plastic lid with a straw hole in it. I can honestly say that's the first time I've had beer served with a plastic lid. What can I say. It tasted like watered down swill in a freaking sippy cup. I think I lost about an ounce of testosterone by drinking it. C+++++ Sort of Recommended.