Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon.

Friday, October 14, 2005

A Review of Non-Alcoholic Beer

I've been without alcohol since Labor Day weekend. In order not to go completely insane, I've begun the search for the perfect non-alcoholic beer. In case you ever end up projectile vomiting on all of your wife or girlfriend's clothes, and get yourself banned from the sauce, you can use this guide.

- Bitburger "Drive": All the luxuries of looking like you're drinking a fancy German beer without any of the authenticity. It's the beer drinkers' version of getting fake tits or liposuction. A++++++ Very Recommended!!!!!!!!!

- Kaliber: Made by the same folks who brew Guinness. If you took a real Guinness, boiled all the alcohol out, then added bleach, washed it with a load of clothes, and then replaced half of the original stuff with DC tap water, you'd have Kaliber. A +++. Recommended!!!

- O'Doul's: "Now richer and smoother" says the label. Richer? Yes, compared to drinking baby powder stirred into a glass of sugarless apple juice. Smoother? Well, yes, I guess. Most beverages that are devoid of alcohol tend to be "smooth", unless you're talking about un-sweetened cranberry juice. B++. Goes good with a ribeye.

- O'Doul's Amber: Wow! A pleasant surprise. Definitely drinkable, in an I'm-in-the-military-and-there's-nothing-else-to-drink kind way. B. Somewhat recommended.

- Sharp's: Last night, I had to ask every beer-seller at the MCI Center during a hockey game for a non-alcoholic beer. I quietly kept asking, "Do you guys sell any non-alcoholic beer?" and the person would respond with a loud, "WHAT?!" Each person gave me the same WTF expression and pointed me to some other kiosk in the stadium. After walking for about 20 minutes, I purchased a Sharp's. They poured it into a clear plastic cup with a plastic lid with a straw hole in it. I can honestly say that's the first time I've had beer served with a plastic lid. What can I say. It tasted like watered down swill in a freaking sippy cup. I think I lost about an ounce of testosterone by drinking it. C+++++ Sort of Recommended.
Comments:
These are some of the best beverage reviews I've ever read. You should get a column in Wine Spectator.
 
Next time why don't you just take in a juice box?
 
Have you tried Haake Beck? It is made by the people who make Beck's so maybe it won't be that bad.
 
actually the beck's n/a is not bad,
kinda taste like a regular beck's
and is drinkable. A+
 
Non-alcoholic Becks tastes like burnt toast. Probably because it's German.
 
ODouls are the best non alcoholic beer on the market, especially if your love the taste of beer, but cannot deal with the alcohol. Not recommended warm.
 
Bararia makes the best non-alcoholic beer by far
 
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