Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Cum-on-the-Back Mountain

I've been hesitating writing this post for a week, but now that so many people have weighed in, I should slap down my two cents.

Some disclaimers: I have not seen Brokeback Mountain, nor do I plan to, for reasons I'm about to explain. I'm not a homophobe, if you define that term as someone who's afraid of, or dislikes homosexual people and culture. I have gay friends ... ok, just two, but friends nonetheless. I have no problem with gay-themed TV shows or movies and I think it's wonderful that gay people can openly be gay by holding hands in public and whatnot. And it's a shame that they can't get married like the rest of us. But as a lover of the outdoors, I take issue with this movie.

Brokeback Mountain furthers the shit idea that when men hang out with other men in an outdoor context, there are homosexual implications. This is an idea that did not exist as recent as 20 years ago. Not to sentimentalize the past too much, but it was once thought to be very normal and essential for a man's proper development to venture into the woods outside of a woman's presence, and no man-on-man sex jokes were ever uttered. I firmly believe that's still true and important today.

Regardless of its artistic merits, this is a movie about two young men who go into the wilderness and fall in love. The subtext is that this is just what any two men would do in the woods. It's the spooge-swirled icing on the top of a 20 year shit cake of feminized cultural changes. Will I ever be able to take my yearly sailing-trip-with-the-guys without hearing some inane joke about blowjobs or frigging in the rigging? Not any time soon, thanks to this movie.

Every now and again, men need outdoor time together sans women. Too much hanging out with the ladies turns a man's balls into soft truffles and sets his mind to superficial wanderings. In the outdoors with other guys, the primordial re-emerges and he can feel honest and real. As Thoreau said, "Men go back to the mountains, as they go back to sailing ships at sea, because in the mountains and on the sea they must face up." When Thoreau wrote that, no gay jokes were ever directed his way, I assure you.
I'ma hafta lay down some facts for my delightful husband.
1. You're not allowed to talk about the "subtext" of anything unless you've seen it.
2. Every fucking time we go camping with other dudes there is a constant stream of man-on-man jokes. You can't blame that on those fine, fine cowboys and their sweet lovemaking.
3. "In the mountains and the sea they must face up." That is, when they weren't facing down.
4. I think your brain has turned into a soft truffle.
Thank you Katie -
my only problem with your four points are as follows
1. What is a subtext?
2. When we go camping or sailing, I never make jokes about homosexuality - it's rude, crude, and Captain said he would spank me if I did.
3. Why you talkin shit about my man Thoroeuwohgh?
4. Your husband's brain may be a truffle, but his testicles are tasty salted nuts!!

Next time we go out to George Washington National Forest, can it just be the two of us? And can you wear that shirt you know I love?
I think a Freudian psychologist might have a lot of fun with that post!
Ok, I guess I was kind of asking for all this ... Fine. Do what you must.
Oh this is the funniest post EVER. (You were trying to be funny weren't you?)

Cos' if not you'd trying to be funny then you're the biggest sexually insecure loser I have EVER seen.

Just as King Kong didn't turn you into an ape, I don't expect Brokeback Mountain will make you or your poor put-upon fishing buddies homosexual. So wise your ass up and stop whining like a girlie man. (Oh and don't talk about Brokeback Mountain's merits or demerits until you have actually seen it).

As for your truffles, you big HE MAN you, I imagine they're quite safe. Five minutes of your personality will drive all comers away.
You suck ONE COCK while camping. ONE! And SUDDENLY you're gay. I hate it. I fucking hate it!. Nobody understands.

ps. LB... I guess you won't be scoring any patch in the near future after this post.
Hey Dad, I told you to stop posting anonymously to my blog. You're just embarassing yourself.


Now that was funny.
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