Talkin' Shit About A Pretty Sunset

Most Esquire Magazine-style manly man "Rules for Being a Real Man" fall into three broad categories: 1) Dumb-as-shit; 2) Retarded, or; 3) Fuckin' Retarded.

But let's face it, gentlemen, we live in a feminized culture. It's self evident; lengthy examples would waste space here. A quality list is therefore in order. My list will include no braggadocio like, "ability to undo a bra with one hand", or, "ability to operate a wood lathe", etc. But I'm digressing. Onward!

Below is a list of traits and behaviors that all Men over 30 should have.

- Lack of squeamishness: I'm not talking about having a hard stomach in the rare case that you'd have to perform surgery on your best friend. I'm talking about things that run the gamut from bearing the sight of shit and blood to cleaning up someone else's pubes or gutting fish. These things should not make you flinch, brother.

- Lack of irrational fears: Walk into those dark woods, my friend. Black bears have killed fewer than 20 people in North America in 100 years. Nothing's gonna happen to you ... It's not to say a real man can't be afraid of something, but fear that defies logic and science is no place for a gentleman over 30. You should've gotten over that at age 23.

- Passion for a hobby: You should be willing to spend whatever amounts of cash on this hobby regardless of the short term consequences. When talking about your hobby, you should get a glaze in your eyes that no one else understands. If you've never gotten that glaze, you don't have a hobby that you care very much about.

- Decent knowledge of international politics & history: Nothing is worse than a man over 30 who has no idea that Czechoslovakia hasn't existed in over a decade. Lord.

- Ability to intelligently discuss at least one classic novel: By "intelligently discuss", it's important to note that all forced pontificating is fine at age 25, but not 30. In addition, you have to have truly enjoyed the book, and can break down its meaning on your own terms.

- Only rude on purpose: If you're being rude and you have no idea, you aren't over 30 yet. A real man over 30 should rarely be rude, but when he is, only when he sets out to do it. Not knowing you're being rude just makes you an asshole.

- Ability to drink like a man: This doesn't mean over-drinking or under-drinking, or even the ability to never puke. It does mean a good knowledge of what a man's drink is, and what it is not. The following are prima facie banned: vodka & juice drinks; any drink that is not, in fact, a martini, but ends in "-tini"; shots of "jager" or; any other train wreck in mixology, like the Cum in a Hot Tub or Mudslide. Could you imagine Dean Martin or Ernest Hemingway ordering any of the aforementioned drinks? I think not.

- Stoicism: By age 30, a man shouldn't say whatever's on his mind, whenever. A man with a slight degree of stoicism does not whine or complain, save for the occasional you-know-what-really-grinds-my-gears diatribe. That's ok once in while, but too much, and you sound like a little bitch.

- Grace under pressure: This one needs little description, but could be the most important trait of them all. Just think of Winston Churchill in 1940 during the "finest hour" speech. Yea ... now you got it ...