Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Important Traits for a Man Over 30

Most Esquire Magazine-style manly man "Rules for Being a Real Man" fall into three broad categories: 1) Dumb-as-shit; 2) Retarded, or; 3) Fuckin' Retarded.

But let's face it, gentlemen, we live in a feminized culture. It's self evident; lengthy examples would waste space here. A quality list is therefore in order. My list will include no braggadocio like, "ability to undo a bra with one hand", or, "ability to operate a wood lathe", etc. But I'm digressing. Onward!

Below is a list of traits and behaviors that all Men over 30 should have.

- Lack of squeamishness: I'm not talking about having a hard stomach in the rare case that you'd have to perform surgery on your best friend. I'm talking about things that run the gamut from bearing the sight of shit and blood to cleaning up someone else's pubes or gutting fish. These things should not make you flinch, brother.

- Lack of irrational fears: Walk into those dark woods, my friend. Black bears have killed fewer than 20 people in North America in 100 years. Nothing's gonna happen to you ... It's not to say a real man can't be afraid of something, but fear that defies logic and science is no place for a gentleman over 30. You should've gotten over that at age 23.

- Passion for a hobby: You should be willing to spend whatever amounts of cash on this hobby regardless of the short term consequences. When talking about your hobby, you should get a glaze in your eyes that no one else understands. If you've never gotten that glaze, you don't have a hobby that you care very much about.

- Decent knowledge of international politics & history: Nothing is worse than a man over 30 who has no idea that Czechoslovakia hasn't existed in over a decade. Lord.

- Ability to intelligently discuss at least one classic novel: By "intelligently discuss", it's important to note that all forced pontificating is fine at age 25, but not 30. In addition, you have to have truly enjoyed the book, and can break down its meaning on your own terms.

- Only rude on purpose: If you're being rude and you have no idea, you aren't over 30 yet. A real man over 30 should rarely be rude, but when he is, only when he sets out to do it. Not knowing you're being rude just makes you an asshole.

- Ability to drink like a man: This doesn't mean over-drinking or under-drinking, or even the ability to never puke. It does mean a good knowledge of what a man's drink is, and what it is not. The following are prima facie banned: vodka & juice drinks; any drink that is not, in fact, a martini, but ends in "-tini"; shots of "jager" or; any other train wreck in mixology, like the Cum in a Hot Tub or Mudslide. Could you imagine Dean Martin or Ernest Hemingway ordering any of the aforementioned drinks? I think not.

- Stoicism: By age 30, a man shouldn't say whatever's on his mind, whenever. A man with a slight degree of stoicism does not whine or complain, save for the occasional you-know-what-really-grinds-my-gears diatribe. That's ok once in while, but too much, and you sound like a little bitch.

- Grace under pressure: This one needs little description, but could be the most important trait of them all. Just think of Winston Churchill in 1940 during the "finest hour" speech. Yea ... now you got it ...
Awesome list. What is Czeckslovakia? And who is Churchill? Where am I?

I agree with them all. to the tee.
Another should be,

Ability to have sex with marginal effort within 24 hours.

by 30 we should all be comfortable with what we can and cannot attain.
Lonnie, you're as pointed as a beer commercial. A lite beer commercial.

Keep um cummin, brite guy.
Good list. I tried to explain to a good friend last year that "nuts and berries" was not something a man drank. He refused to see the error of his ways and thought it was all in jest. C'mon, Nuts and Fucking Berries? Asshole probably used to drink Zima.
"nuts and berries"

Is that anything like "twig and berries"?
I have no clue what's in it except it looked milky, and that's tip #1 that it's not for the men. I think it may have Bailey's in it.
Can you order me one of these men? I even don't mind back hair...which seems to go with the men over 30. As long as it doesn't tickle my nose.
Hair does tend to migrate south after 30, not just to the back.
This post made the rocks in my scotch crack. It's that sharp. many many many years.....when I turn 30....can I drink rum and coke still?
Rum and Coke ... that's fine. Hemingway certainly drank that so no prob.

btw, my "important traits" are not sexual-orientation-specific. They apply to ALL men over 30.
Um, wasn't it widely speculated that Hemingway was actually gay? His "overly macsuline" acts were really a coverup for his desire to be with other dudes? Granted, what's done is done, and I have no desire to define my manliness by my favorite author, but I would prefer not to align myself with his beliefs, if I am indeed a "manly man". Maybe we should all actually take a look at "gangsta rap" for a minute and ponder... As fisrt written by Snoop Dogg...
"Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks... lick on the nuts and suck the dicks"
I'm still not sure about all the talk about Cristal and Moet, as I much prefer Veuve Clicqout, but I guess it just takes time to develop true taste in the finer things in life. If indeed you truly are a "man"! HAHAHAHA!! I love being the devils' advocate!
Mr. Seadated,

It's "widely speculated" that many great men were gay, from Jesus to Ghandi. But in the end it's just speculation. And it doesn't matter anyway: in my previous comment I clearly stated that "my 'important traits' are not sexual-orientation-specific. They apply to ALL men over 30."

My list doesn't "define my manliness", much less by my "favorite author"---of which Hemingway is not. My list is a standard to be achieved, not some gauche and pompous description of myself. I admit that I don't always live up to the nine traits I listed, but they're something to be strived for.

And if you "love being devil's advocate", I suggest you come up with some opinions you actually belive instead of recycling the ones you think will get the best reaction. But from your rambling "gangsta rap" drivel, I assume you are not over 30, so you are forgiven.


Lonnie Bruner
Lonnie, this is fantastic. Can you come up with a list for women over 30?
Hate to say it, LB, but these traits are not only non-orientation specific, but they are non-gender specific. They are important traits for a human over 30. As your wife (ahem) I like to think I possess almost all of the traits, except the one about drinking like a man. If loving Bailey's is wrong, I don't want to be right.
Hello gorgeous,

While you---and many women---do possess some of the traits to a good degree, I would disagree that they are not gender specific.

The list should not be read piecemeal. As a whole, those traits are specific---and important---to a mature human male over 30.

We'll just have to agree to disagree on this one, baby.


seadated is an ass.

your wifey sounds hot.
damn good
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