Talkin' Shit About A Pretty Sunset

I took a neighbor's boyfriend out sailing Sunday after he'd asked me to take him on several occasions, and he complained the entire time like a little dickwad. From this experience, I've compiled a short list of DON'Ts in case you happen to sail with me. These should be no-brainers, but some people have no social skills (maybe that's why "some people" have been divorced ... thrice).

1 - DON'T keep musing to everyone onboard how you can't believe that you hate being on the water this much, especially after I've given a few subtle reminders (FOUR TIMES) that "that's the last comment I wanna hear about this." Just because I'm smiling when I say that, doesn't mean I'm joking.

2 - DON'T continually make stupid jokes about how slow sailboats move. We are all aware that sailboats go considerably slower than stinkpots (motorboats). That doesn't take a masters degree in physics to understand.

3 - DON'T make anti-sailboat comments more than twice. You get two, but that's it. Yes, the rivalry between sailors and stinkpotters has a long history and has been well-catalogued on this blog. And it really is funny, but these jokey conversations are best had on land; at sea, they're just annoying -- especially after the 10th joke about how much my sailboat sucks to you. Fuck off. Really.

4 - DON'T continually spout off about how you cannot understand why anyone would want to spend the day on a boat. Why the fuck are you even here if you didn't "understand" that simple-to-understand phenomenon?

5 - DON'T pretend you don't know why some aspect of sailing is occuring -- like when the boat heels (leans) -- just so you can in turn make some snide comment that what's happening doesn't meet your standards or is annoying/ridiculous to you and would NEVER happen on a motorboat.

In short, you should treat someone's boat like it's their house. I would never come to your house and complain about your choice of paint or furniture or location to your face. That's rude. I've been on motorboats and had a great time, even though I would've rather been sailing. But to remind the owner of your disapproval multiple times makes you a huge asshole. Shouldn't that be common sense?

I'm not sure who's worse -- complainers or doomsayers. Perhaps the former.