Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I am certain of this: pigs are the ugliest mammal on the planet.

My wife and I have a long-running argument about the cuteness of pigs: she thinks they're too adorable to eat; I think they're completely disgusting looking and am now considering not eating them because of it.

I know what you're thinking: pigs are cute when they're young. Well, I concede that, but they only stay cute and young --- like any animal on earth --- for a short while. The true judge of the cuteness of an animal is its overall visual appeal, not how they look for only a few weeks.

And god damn, if you search for "pig" you may give up bacon for good. There's a reason why most of the world's religions have forbidden eating this monstrous-looking animal.

And I don't care how smart they are; smart does not make beautiful. Even if a pig could contemplate astro-physics, they're still NASTY. They're not even so-ugly-they're-cute cute.

I submit to you the following pictures:

(Flickr Link)

(Flickr Link)

(Photo Link)

(Flickr Link)

(Flickr Link)

(Flickr Link)

I will also remind you that this animal regularly eats feces and rolls in mud. Dogs do the same, but at least they're cute and charming. Pigs aren't charming in any way!
Tarantino thought the same.

Vincent: Want some bacon?
Jules: No man, I don't eat pork.
Vincent: Are you Jewish?
Jules: Nah, I ain't Jewish, I just don't dig on swine, that's all.
Vincent: Why not?
Jules: Pigs are filthy animals. I don't eat filthy animals.
Vincent: Bacon tastes gooood. Pork chops taste gooood.
Jules: Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker. Pigs sleep and root in shit. That's a filthy animal. I ain't eat nothin' that ain't got enough sense enough to disregard its own faeces.
Vincent: How about a dog? Dogs eats its own feces.
Jules: I don't eat dog either.
Vincent: Yeah, but do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal?
Jules: I wouldn't go so far as to call a dog filthy but they're definitely dirty. But, a dog's got personality. Personality goes a long way.
Vincent: Ah, so by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality, he would cease to be a filthy animal. Is that true?
Jules: Well we'd have to be talkin' about one charmin' motherfuckin' pig. I mean he'd have to be ten times more charmin' than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I'm sayin'?
Yes, pigs may not be charming, but dogs don't make delicious bacon.*

*As far as I am aware.
Can't say I've eaten much pig in the last ten years, but I often can't resist some biscuits and sausage gravy...
When pigs are cute they're very very cute and when they're not they're horrid.
Haha, I recognize that AR.
Lonnie -- do you really want to pick a fight with your wife in public about the cuteness of the porcine population? Are you really that anxious to never get laid again? Really, your wife is going to run away with Yo Majesty and raise pigs in Brooklyn if you don't watch out. I love you. I don't want to see you hurt yourself (so buy a vowel and a clue, big guy -- your wife is right, even if she's wrong). Now say you were wrong, and do it gracefully. 'Cause you're a man, not a boy or poseur.
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