Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Motörhead: Killed by Hiccups

Just had surgery on my gums in which the dentist cranked a titanium bolt into my upper jaw bone and sealed the deal with biodegradable stitches, which now scratch the inside of my lips with every syllable I utter and each chew I make.

But the pain from the surgical slices to my mouth aren't bad. The maddening part is the fucking hiccups. Yea, that's right, the hiccups.

???

I have no f'n clue why I've had hiccups for more than 48 hours straight, but now I understand why Motörhead wrote a song about this type of physical torture.

In the last two days, I was almost Killed by Hiccups.

I know you're thinking it's not possible, but imagine me---my friend squeezing his fingers brainward into my ear-lobes---being shouted at to chug a full glass of lukewarm tap water. ...

To no avail. The hiccups remained.

Hiccups are like an obscure disease straight from the Middle Ages. Who the fuck knows how to cure them aside from hocus-pocus folk remedies like howling at the moon or some such shit. Check out the wiki page on home remedies, and you'll think you've stumbled upon a website written by black-clad wiccans. And there's not one person---medical or otherwise---who can give a proper explanation of WTF a hiccup really is or what the causes are.

If you get them like I've had for the past 48 hours, just pray to god that they don't kill you faster than a Motörhead song. Because I narrowly escaped.
Comments:
I didn't check the hiccup wiki, but what works for me is holding my breath through a few in a row. By the third one, it's as if you don't have enough air to support a hiccup or something.

SO sorry if you tried this and are now outwardly laughing at my stupidity, and crying on the inside about the torture.

Good luck.
 
I was just getting ready to eat when I read "...cranked a titanium bolt into my upper jaw bone and sealed the deal with biodegradable stitches." :::pushing plate away:::

Are you still hic'ing? A local group, The Wanktones, used to do a song called "Hiccups To Hell." I know this isn't helping. Sorry. :(
 
Eat a jar of chunky skippy peanut butter, or the old bartender remedy A lime covered with bitters, That is a garunteed fix!
 
Stop being so goddamned dramatic. Chugging the water totally worked. And I wasn't yelling. Jackass.
 
Jimmy,

The water worked temporarily. The hiccups started back up an hour later.

And you always yell at me. You know it's true.
 
I heard taking a shot of your own diahrea works. Have you tried that?
 
Robbie,

Have you tried sticking my foot up your ass? I hear that works too.

Cheers,

Lonnie Bruner
 
Spasm of the diaphragm.

Get someone to tell you something that makes you get that scared feeling. Like your dog got hit by a car, or your mother-in-law just showed up. If you get that sinking feeling in your tummy the hiccups will be gone. The "boo" trick is the wrong type of scare.

trust me
 
Holy shit. I am late to the party here .. but tell me that, by Wednesday, you have shaken the hiccups!
 
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