Talkin' Shit About A Pretty Sunset

As a follow-up to my Important Traits for a Man Over 30, I'd like to throw a bone to the ladies who've arrived at their third decade. As before, these traits have to be taken as a whole, not piecemeal.

A solid fashion sense: If you're still shuffling around in your over-sized off-the-shoulder sweater, your nicest clothes are over five years old, or you wear Lane Bryant stretch pants, you aren't a Real Woman over 30. A solid fashion sense requires the ability to wear makeup right. Don't be a Try-Hard or a Sparkle-Fatty (Adams Morgan style). A woman over 30 should have learned that her beauty should depend---to a good degree---on her lack of trying. And it's important to have "a look". If you don't have "a look" by age 30, perhaps you should just lie, and tell people you're still 29.

Balanced sense of feminism: An overly "strident" feminist woman is struggling desperately with her sense of self in order to avoid being swept into the void of her own insecurity. But that's fine for age 26. A Real Woman over 30 is a feminist, but is one on her own terms---not just from reading Our Bodies Ourselves III, Andrea Dworkin, Gloria Steinam or---god help us---that "Men are from Mars" book.

Ability to verbally spar with men: Nothing is worse than the "Unfunny Giggling Girl." Somehow our culture has jammed it into women's heads that having a sense of humor just means laughing at men's jokes. What's more, a 20-something woman's common recourse in an argument with a man is to get crazy emotional. If you're over 30 and can't hang with a man's wit, and put it to him straight, you need to get to school. The School of Verbal Sparring, that is ...

Ability to walk like a woman: Ever noticed how many women in their early 20s have a quick-stepped, stiff-hipped walk like a teenaged boy? It's not their fault; they're just not over 30 yet. A Real Woman should have a walk that can never be imitated by a man, no matter how much surgery or hormones go into him. The walk I'm talking about is one of kind.

Decent knowledge of international politics and history: Nothing is worse than a woman over 30 who has no idea that Czechoslovakia hasn't existed in over a decade. Lord.

An interior decorating sense: Hard to pinpoint this one, but a few things are prima facie banned: an entire apartment whose only color is taupe/mauve; photographs of airbrushed children; Thomas Kinkead "paintings"; unicorns or dolphins posters; little unusable soap shaped like seashells or; everything being obsessively matched. If you're a woman over 30 and cannot make an apartment look impressive, you should've gotten a sex change like five years ago.

Sass: Needs little description, but could be the most important one. A sassy woman over 30 gives a man a little jolt in his bolt. I've never met a sassy woman who had any trouble finding a mate.

A sexy, confident tone of voice: If you've got that annoying sorority-girl-style downward tone at the end of all your sentences, you are a child. Grow up. And then have a seat next to me on the mezzanine in a lounge called Adulthood.