Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Leaving Las Vegas

Having just arrived home from Las Vegas last night, I don't know what I can say about that town that hasn't been said a thousand times before but I'll give it my best shot.

The first problem was that I read "How To Lose Friends And Alienate People" on the plane ride TO Vegas and read "Bringing Down The House" on the plane ride back home.

The upshot of the latter book is that blackjack CAN be beat ... that is, if you know how to count cards. Otherwise the odds are always with the dealer (duh). If not, the casino would not be in business. Blackjack is the only true "beatable" game there is in Vegas, apparently, and counting cards isn't what it seems. "Counting cards" is a misnomer because you don't actually count how many cards come out of the deck at all. You count twos through sixes as +1 and tens through aces as -1. If the count adds up positively, of course, that means that the deck is heavy with high cards and it's time to throw down serious money. If the deck is full of low cards, you'll have a negative count and so you should stay at the table minimum with every bet. Anyway ...

Las Vegas was everything I expected: trashy, bright, drunken, ugly, beautiful, pretentious, overpriced, strict, lawless, sleazy and clean. I can't think of anything else to write so I'll just include a list of things:

- Grandparents staying in "Jamaica Suite"

- Up $78, then down $400

- Bottle of Glenlivet (750ML)

- 2 Inches from getting a lapdance

- $100 tips from my brother-in-law to strippers

- Five thousand room hotel

- One-hundred-thirty-six-million-dollar stage

- Steak 'n' eggs at 5:00 AM

- German taxi driver

- Fake tits

- "Hippest" bar in town: Hard Rock Cafe

- Most hetrosexual men in one place with that much hair product

- Free drinks all night
Here's one more thing from Lonnie Bruner's trip-to- Vegas list:

--rim job from she-male in bathroom at Binion's
You should write poetry Bruner.

I'm not kidding. You're a great writer.
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