Talkin' Shit About A Pretty Sunset

I don't meet many bona fide fruit loops in life, but in Melbourne I spoke at length with a grown man who truly believes in fairies.

Normal people have difficulty understanding that creationists really believe the world was created by a divine creator in six days, that jihadists really believe that the Koran is the perfect word of God, or that moon landing Truthers really believe that Buzz Aldrin never left the earth. (No moral equivalency between all those groups).

Imagine for a second what it's like to really believe something. Imagine how you'd feel if the fire marshal walked in right now and told you that the building you're sitting in will collapse in less than 30 seconds. Imagine the effect that would have on you --- really believing that was about to occur. That's the way real belief can feel.

I was standing at my booth promoting my special fertilizer when a bearded man (always bearded) started talking to me about his tree healing abilities. Every agriculture show seems to attract at least one of these freaks, and I readied myself for the full on fruit-loopery.

After talking to him for 20 minutes about the health of oaks in California, he could see I wasn't going to laugh at him, so he confided that he was actually a dowser of trees. I inquired about his methods with a straight face, and with a straight face, he proceeded to tell me.

He carefully informed me that trees are beings that are standing on their heads with their legs and feet up in the air in the form of branches and top growth. Their health is watched over by fairies and other forest spirits who care for them. His method is to spread his arms wide and walk over the entire root system, blessing it, talking to the fairies, and directing positive energy toward the trunk. Sometimes he'll even give the tree a long hug.

He seemed relieved that he'd gotten his true beliefs off his chest toward someone who seemed normal, didn't crack a disbelieving smirk, and didn't laugh in his face.

I then picked up my laptop to show him some pictures of oaks that received my special fertilizer and he politely asked if he could dowse the trees --- the pictures of trees on my computer.

He extended his left hand index finger and thumb flat out with his pointer finger directed at my computer screen. He took his right hand and tapped his extended left hand, his right thumb rooted on the back of his left hand. For a full 20 seconds I witnessed this man concentrate and make witching motions toward my glowing jpeg images of oaks. I watched in awkward silence.

"That one's got 20% while the other one is much healthier at 60%". Good to know, good to know, I responded.

Really believing in fairies must feel like being a four-year-old trapped in an adult's body. The world's not complicated, no, and probably lacking all the strife and meanness --- just an existence watched over by beautiful, mysterious supernatural creatures with magical powers. Maybe even a pegasus flutters by? What a good life to live.

The moment I realized he wasn't shitting me when he said he believed in fairies I felt something I couldn't have predicted: pure jealousy. Yes, this cold-hearted science-based atheist felt jealous of a fairy-believer. I wish I could live in his world now and again. I really do.

(Image credit)