Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Men: Pregnancy---Women: Sharks

I usually avoid trite commentary about the quirky differences between men and women, but let's suspend that rule for a moment. Below are two typical true life scenarios.

A man is told that his friend's wife is preggers. That night, he relates it to his wife: "Oh hey, Jason's wife is pregnant". He assumed (wrongly) that he got all the info he needed---that a mutual friend has a baby in her stomach. Think again, gentlemen. Men forget that it's crucial to find out 1) when the baby is due; 2) what it might be named; 3) something about "trimesters"---whatever that means; and 4) whether an "ultrasound" has been done. The details are key.

Conversely, this gender divide is similar to an email I got from my friend Rachel today:
hey lonnie-
My cousin Jamie from Richmond caught a shark. Thought you might be
interested in the photo...


I responded:
HOLY SHIT. where was it caught? what was he using for bait? how many pounds? How long did it take to fight? details, rachel, details - lb
To illustrate my point, I provide you with her response:
sorry lonnie I don't know the details... looks like it was just off the
beach. I don't really talk to my cousin so i don't have his email.

That's just an awesome analogy.
That is very true. As an expecting dad, it goes like this.

Wife is preggers.
Dec. 5
oh bout ten weeks.
yeah we'll find out - I'll let you know.
Thanks, that means a lot.

If you don't spit out the above information instantly after each question then you get frowns. And you must smile.
There's also the parents v. nonparents line. I spoke to my (at the time) manager right after she had a baby, the other women in the office wanted to know if she was breastfeeding, and if so, how it was going.

Dude, I'm a woman and there is no way in hell I would ask her that (and I certainly didn't even think of it!)
What if someone caught a baby in the ocean and reeled it to shore?
Is Jason's wife really pregnant?

Yes. Child number two.
Let me just clarify a biological fact-- babies don't actually grow in the woman's stomach. Technically, there's this thing called a "uterus" where the baby lives. Little known fact!
Too true, too true. I have been caught on the "oh, yeah, couple x are expecting a baby" enough times that now I know I need to get a little more info than simple pregnant/not pregnant...

Except in the case where the thought of the couple making the baby is enough to make us want to stop talking or thinking about it.
What kind of bait do you think it would take to snag a baby, HP? Shiny rattling objects? A fake nipple? Cash?
UPDATE! Rachel responds with a forwarded email from her cousin (the smiling guy in the picture):

"It's a Sand Tiger Shark measuring 8'9" and weighing somewhere between 300-400lbs.
I caught on the beach at Cape Point which is the state park around the
Hatteras Lighthouse. I fished with some local-yokals that I know as
well as some other tourists like myself. We used a Kayak to paddle
the baits out 400 yds to the outer sand bar and drop them in the deep
water. That way you care camped out on the beach with your rod, but
the bait is way out in the briney deep. I used a whole bluefish sans
tail which was about 12" long I suppose. He was not to happy about

That is great. I might use it for mass email purposes.
Red Storm - Nipples. babies love 'em, women gots 'em. And you should probably chum with breast milk and baby food.
Uterus, is that a synonym for tummy, That's where I came from.
I took that headline to mean that men are as afraid of pregnancy as women are of sharks...John doesn't like to swim, does that mean he'll knock me up someday? If I give birth to a shark, do I have to keep it? It's quarter after two, maybe I should just get drunk.
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