Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Shotguns, Yachts, Absinthe, Crabs, an Elephantitis Scrotum, and a Bathroom with an Open Transom: the Art of the Mancation

For some reason, I'm a regular recipient of mancation invitations and it's near impossible for me to turn one down.

This weekend's trip started off with Punkin' Chunkin', the most rednecked-out event I've attended. The fire power featured air cannons twice the length of telephone poles that hurt your ears from a quarter mile when launched, and medieval catapults made from Home Depot and farm supplies pulled behind Ford pickups. The side shows were a rag-tag collection of budget carnival rides, sparkplug sculptures next to rebel flags, a mechanical bull and two---count 'em---TWO tents giving away promotional tins of chewing tobacco. There was no typical separation between the carnies and the customers; at Punkin' Chunkin', everyone's an honorary carnie. I wore my grandad's WWII military jacket and an ironic "I Love Jesus" cap to fit in. When I received a compliment on my headwear, I responded with a quick "thank you", not realizing that the woman wasn't commenting on my sense of irony. I felt accepted. We unfolded our K-Mart-bought chairs and sat in the middle of a freezing cornfield drinking beer and bourbon while watching big orange vegetables fly across the sky at distances up to 3,200 feet.

Our next stop was Chestertown, Maryland for the tall ships festival. Our hotel room had a bathroom door with an open transom above it, meaning that every sound made echoed throughout the room. The mancation hit a little too close when I could hear my pal's poo splashing onto toilet water with clarity. And no, I did not share a bed with a man, but I can't speak for the rest of my crew ... Jim? Dan?

The next day, we sailed on the 74 foot schooner used in the movie The Wedding Crashers. Ok, technically they used its identical sister boat, but when I was holding the wheel I pictured myself as Christopher Walken.

Hours later, I was aiming a 12 gauge at flying Devo hats. I swear, there's not one person who could remain anti-gun after an hour of skeet shooting.

After gorging on crabs, we snuck into a sold-out showing of Borat's new movie, thanks to an elderly, flustered ticket taker. There's not much better than watching a rollickingly crass movie, for free, while sipping a pint of Jim Beam.

The next day I was gawking at freaks of nature at the human oddities museum at Walter Reed. The deformed fetal babies and stomach-shaped hairball from the hair-eating girl's stomach weren't so bad, but seeing a human leg and 16-inch scrotum infected with elephantitis didn't sit well with the crabs.

If considering taking a mancation, I recommend finishing it off by sipping Dutch absinthe while touring the world on Google Earth projected onto the wall. There's nothing like drinking green herbal liqueur that's 65% alcohol while musing at the geographical differences between Haiti and the Dominican Republic, then seconds later switching to an air tour of my home town.

How was your weekend?
That is an awesome weekend. How was the wind during your sail? You are such a lucky shit to eat crabs this late in the season.

that hairball is called a beezar if I remember correctly, and it's elephantiasis, not elephantitis.

Did that girl die of her beezar?
You left off the part about the Holly Society judging, the hookah, the gay steak and eggs, spilling a beer on your ass, and how you got out of a speeding ticket. It's those little details that really add flavor to a story like this.

I don't know if she died.


Yes, yes, you are correct, but I was trying to control all out bloggerhea.

More pictures can be found here.
I climbed Everest, cooked dinner for the Chinese Army, got a back sized tatoo in Mexico, and won a backgammon tourney. So there!

How can all that be contained in a single post? Nice work man, finishing it off with some Absinthe is the coup de grace. It would be hard to top that weekend.
btw, I forgot to ask, where did you get the absinthe?, I thought it was illegal in America.
Ah punkin chunkin. I know it well, as I used to teach in Millsboro. Slower Lower Delaware has its ways...
Who could top this? It sounds like the perfect weekend.
That sounds like a damn fine Mancation. All you need to top it off is the Mancation shirt.
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