Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon.

Friday, June 02, 2006

A Guide to Modern Swashbuckling

A typical image of a sailor is a blazer-wearing blue-blooded New York Yacht Club type. Granted, those gents exist, but not the types that obtain used sailboats with stank-ass mildew-coated bilges, worn out lines and broken sinks.

In case you're thinking of buying a sailboat for under $500 from a place like Buzzard Point Marina in SouthEast Washington, DC, refer to my handy guide if you desire to be a true Modern Swashbuckler.

Boastful Behavior:
Most people aren't natural liars, but in order to be a Modern Swashbuckler, you must get over that. Every true story must be embellished. Throw in some shite about saltwater, blood, cutting tangled lines and how you paid nothing for your boat. Also, speak in a really loud voice. That makes it more likely that listeners will believe your bullshit. Since the Modern Swashbuckler doesn't have a cutlass strapped to his side, he has to make up for it by being boastful and loud.

Flamboyant Recklessness:
"Any damn fool can navigate the world sober. It takes a really good sailor to do it drunk". -- Sir Francis Chichester Somewhere along the way, the word "flamboyant" took on homosexual connotations. A homosexual may also be a swashbuckler, but being flamboyantly reckless, in this case, has nothing to do with butt sex (see next point). The flamboyant recklessness usually stems from the abundance of alcohol on any trip, so this important trait won't have to be contrived.

Friggin' in the Riggin':
Most jokes made onboard your vessel must include a reference to buggery or you're not a true Modern Swashbuckler.

Feigned Misogyny:
If you're hanging out with a group of guys on a boat for more than half a day, the sex talk will flow naturally. Being around men for days on end will make you want to fuck your girlfriend or wife so bad, that somehow, disparaging females as a group prevents public masturbation and insanity. I can't explain it, but those who've been there will understand.

1812 Overture, Chinatown Bumboat, gangster rap, what-have-you. As long as it includes cursing, you're fine. For seasickness, music with a "parental advisory" sticker is better than Dramamine.

Any good ship is a benevolent dictatorship. Like our presidency, one person---and one person only---will be The Decider. Anything less will destroy any sailing boat. Oh, and every command made by the skipper must be followed to a tee, regardless how ridiculous it seems.
And I always thought the mark of a true sailor was denying multiple STDs and a penchant for fruit laden with vitamin C. I do still think that a old time Southern houseboat would be the way to go...
Yeah, just like the one guy lived on in Simon and Simon, or was it Riptide? A Houseboat is the way to go.
A houseboat will capsize if hit broadside from a semi-strong fart. It's the vessel of the land lubber.
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