Talkin' Shit About A Pretty Sunset

When sailors hear the annoying chug of a stinkpot on its way toward us, we need to know what, exactly, has invaded our territory and some simple advice on how to deal with the approaching douchebaggery.

Concise categories should help sailors deal with stinkpotters. Below is a guide to help navigate through the exhaust-filled waterways of American stinkpotism. And we must recognize that some stinkpotters are worse than others --- not all deserve the same treatment.

1 - The Rich, Revving Rednecker: This is the most egregious of all stinkpotters. Land Lubbers think Hummer drivers are bad? These boats are like a dozen floating SUVs, seriously. Many of them brag about having upwards of 2,000 horsepower and can reach over 110 MPH and there are no speed limits.

On the water, emissions laws are more lax so this type of stinkpot doesn't have to follow any environmental restrictions and never uses freaking mufflers!

Nothing spoils your day like having one of these fuckbags anchor within 200 yards. The Rich, Revving Rednecker and his loud fiberglass dick will deafen you and your crew and choke your guts out with black exhaust. It's so loud I can almost hear the noise coming out of the above image.

The Rich, Revving Rednecker must have a penis that's so small that it inverts back into itself.

How to Deal with Them: Never wave. Brace yourself because they think the fastest boat has right-of-way (one of them actually told me that once). A middle finger may be necessary during daytime; if at night, consider pooping on their deck.

2 - The WTF is a Compasser: There was once a story in SAIL magazine about a stinkpotter who bought a boat and asked if "that glass thing with the numbers" could be removed to make room for a bigger radio.

See, stinkpotters usually have zero concept of nautical skill; they're out on the water to show off their stinkpots to their floozey girlfriends or douchey friends and maybe ski or anchor.

But I will admit that people who buy boats for water skiing are less offensive than the Rich, Revving Rednecker. I've been skiing and it's definitely fun.

How to Deal with Them: Give a two-finger wave at most and be vigilant because they often don't know the Rules of the Road and think that towing a skiier gives them right-of-way even over freaking container ships.

3 - The Rodney Dangerfield Wannabe: These guys are basically golfers that think the water is a moving version of the fairway.

When most Land Lubbers hear the word "yacht" they think of some Hollywood producer wearing a goofy hat in his 150-foot monster loaded with a cargo of magnums of champagne, grams of coke and bimbos in bikinis covered with 80s tropical designs. The Rodney Dangerfield Wannabe is a miniature version of that.

He's not as concerned with overwhelming power and speed like the Rich, Revving Rednecker, but wants size, and more importantly, height. He's slightly obsessed with other people's perceptions of him and needs to prove -- especially to other stinkpotters --- that he's "made it" and can afford $350 for a day's gas on the water.

Rodney Dangerfield Wannabes are rarely seen on the water in winds over 15 knots because their extreme height makes them unseaworthy. One more reason to go out sailing in heavier weather, I suppose.

How to Deal with Them: Give them a lazy, full-handed wave. You usually don't need to fear them running you over because in addition to longing to be owners of 150-foot power yachts, they also want to seem like they know something about the ocean and its vagaries.

4 - The Dock Motorer: This boat would capsize if hit by a strong fart, but on windless days it can be fun as hell, I admit.

The Dock Motorer stinkpots are basically a dock-like platform set onto two pontoons with a mid-sized horsepower motor.

Dock Motorers don't offend me too much because at least they're quiet. They're usually owned by old men on midwestern lakes.

I have to admit that being a Dock Motorer --- despite requiring even less seamanship than a WTF is a Compasser --- is pretty fun; you just lie around on floating couches and smoke, drink beer or fish --- all fun activities in my book.

How to Deal with Them: They probably won't even wave at you because the Dock Motorer is a true Land Lubber's boat and they don't know on-the-water etiquette. Don't worry about them hitting you because they're usually at anchor or at a dock.